JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG
CORRESPONDENCES,
VOLUME XVI.
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REGARDING
PETE SEEGER'S
REQUESTS FOR A HAMMER
AND HIS DESCRIPTIONS OF
WHAT HE WOULD DO
IF HE HAD ONE.
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Dear Mr. Seeger,
We regret to inform you that we have declined your application for $25 to be used in the purchase of a hammer. We approve loans that make good sense for all parties involved, loans that are investments in the potential profitability of the recipient's enterprise. This, in turn, ensures repayment of the initial capital. While $25 might seem an insignificant sum to a bank of our size, we could not approve it, largely because we frankly just didn't understand the request. Seriously, long after we dismissed the application, we were still trying to figure out what you were talking about. It haunts us, to be honest.
You say that with your proposed new hammer, you'd hammer in both the morning and the evening and that you would do so all over this land. (You're going to need to raise additional capital for that travel, by the way. Has that ever crossed your mind?) But the real head-scratcher is this proposed security implementation. How would you hammer out danger? Or warning? Wouldn't it just be a loud whack whack whack? How
would anyone anywhere understand that as a security alert? I mean, are we missing something?
Again, all we have to go on is your loan application here. You should type those, by the way.
As for establishing some sort of sibling harmony with a hammer, we just ... we don't know what to say about that one. Some of us have been staring at the words on the page there for a while. We were here until, like, 9:30 last night. And you should know that there has been a spirited and still ongoing debate about alerting the authorities, since establishing love between your brothers and your sisters with a ... hammer?! ... has many of us very nervous.
Again, we're sorry we could not help. Thanks for the enclosed picture of you in a turtleneck holding an acoustic guitar. Although that weirded us out a little, too.
Sincerely,
P. Yarrow
First Commerce Bank
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Dear Human!
Thor receives your prayer! And rejects it soundly!
Thor thinks it's likely that you have a pretty poor understanding of what Mjolnir, Thor's hammer, is really all about. War, Pete. It is war hammer! You could not hammer out love between brothers and sisters. Hammer out brains between brothers and sisters maybe! Ha! Thor conquers humor! Thor should do an open-microphone night!
Thor's hammer also does not hammer out warning. There is just SMACKO! And then hammer returns to Thor! SMACKO! Down go giants! And maybe Mjolnir hammers out danger once in a while, but not in the groovy hippie-dippie give-peace-a-chance way you're thinking of. More like SMACKO! Here comes danger! SMAAAAAACKOOOOO!
But, most importantly, Thor don't loan it out to anyone! It's ... it's Thor's ... thing! You know? Thor and his hammer. Wait a second, is this Loki? Is this Loki pretending to be Pete Seeger?! Godsdamn it, Loki.
Thor going to kick your ass.
SMACKO!
Thor!
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Dear Mr. Seeger,
Thank you for your kind letter and for sharing your thoughts about a proposed partnership between yourself and M.C. Hammer. Unfortunately, due to his busy schedule, Hammer will be unable to take you up on the offer of promoting danger, warning, and love all over this land, especially given the long hours you propose.
Thanks! Good luck with your whole thing that you have going there!
M. Travers
Personal Assistant to M.C. Hammer
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Dear Mr. Seeger,
Thanks for your very nice letter. We are pleased to hear that you have now acquired a hammer as well as a bell and a song. Hopefully, these will help you in whatever it is you're up to. But, honestly, we really don't need to know what that is. In fact, at this point, maybe we should all just walk away from this relationship.
P. Yarrow
First Commerce Bank
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Read more
Pop-Song Correspondences.
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John Moe's
Other Features.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Regarding Pete Seeger's Requests for a Hammer and His Descriptions of What He Would Do If He Had One By John Moe
Fantasy Baseball Preview 2007: Atom City Smashers By Chris White
Gregor Samsa, Coach By Will Layman
The Game That Announced We Were Not to Be Messed With By Graham Murphy
On Introductions By Oronte Churm
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