THANK YOU
FOR CHOOSING
THE HYATT REGENCY
PURGATORY.
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Welcome.
Whether you stay with us for a single night or for an extended, indefinite period, you'll find that our entire staff is dedicated to making your visit highly propitious and, ultimately, redemptive. To ensure that your visit is as enjoyable as the prevailing circumstances allow, we invite you to look over the many guest services listed on the following pages.
The Management
Hyatt Regency Purgatory
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ATM—An automatic-teller machine is located in the lobby. For your convenience, it is attended at all hours and in perpetuity by the bank executive who came up with the idea of ATM fees.
Automobile Rental—Should you wish to explore the sights and attractions of Purgatory by car, you may rent one at the front desk. The Buick Lucerne is the official car of Purgatory.
Business-Office Services—With the latest technology, equipment, and resources, we can make you photocopies, provide a Windows-based PC with Microsoft Office, supply wireless Internet access, produce color laser prints, even arrange secretarial services. If we may gently remind you, however, you are dead and, therefore, no longer have anything to prove.
Café Limbo—Specializing in taste-neutral cuisine, Café Limbo prides itself on reminding diners of one of the pleasures of the flesh without giving any pleasure to the flesh. A sumptuous Sunday brunch buffet of over 50 hot and cold items is never available to guests, due to the restaurant being closed on the Sabbath. The café (on the mezzanine, across from the Pope Innocent III Chapel) is also closed on all holy days, saints' days, and feast days.
Checkout Time—TBD. (By God.)
Concierge—Our Assistance Express® staff is thoroughly committed to and entirely capable of making your visit as bearable as, but not one iota more bearable than, permitted by divine law. All associates have an extensive knowledge of Purgatory, its many points of interest and myriad activities. They can arrange everything from concert tickets (Jim Morrison, Karen Carpenter, Joey Ramone, and John Denver, to name just a few; plus, coming this fall, Amy Winehouse) to Jetpack Adventures for "pre-angelic" flying lessons. Or get directions to one of the million-plus bingo halls the transitional realm has to offer.
Convention Services—Whether you're here with three buddies from an alcohol-related car accident, several hundred passengers from a plane crash, or the population of a major metropolis destroyed by meteor, the Hyatt Regency Purgatory can accommodate your group's needs. Ask the manager on duty for additional information.
Express Checkout—For guests who arrive at the property in possession of Indulgences, the HeavenExpress® kiosk (located in the lobby, near the Pope Boniface IX Chapel) offers a swift, efficient, and immediate checkout experience. Simply follow the touch-screen instructions and insert the requested number of Indulgences at the prompt.
Fitness Center—Guests who discover that existing as pure energy has given them energy to burn will find a variety of spiritual workout equipment in the fitness center (on the second floor, next to the Pope Clement VI Chapel).
Ice—Ice machines can be found on every floor. Guests are welcome to help themselves to as much ice as desired, except when enduring mandatory periods of purifying fire.
Newspapers—A complimentary copy of USA Today will be delivered to your room each weekday. (Note: Though some guests may tell you that reading USA Today every morning is "hell," we can assure you that it is not actually Hell.)
On-Request Items—Should the need arise, our front desk can provide you with a variety of practical, everyday items for your personal use, including: rosaries, scapulars, prayer mats, prayer shawls, prayer cards, prayer books, Old and New Testaments, Humanae Vitae, hymnals, crosses/crucifixes, saint statuettes, saint medals, communion wafers and sacramental wine, holy water, hair shirts, votive candles, and antiseptic footwash.
Pool—Open 24 hours. Though it's unheated, some guests may find that immersion in the pool's holy water sears their corrupt flesh.
Room Service—Room service is available 24 hours a day, though use of this service is considered slothful and may extend your stay.
Telephone Instructions:
—To call another hotel guest, dial the guest's room number. When prompted, pray to be connected. Should your prayer go unanswered, hang up and pray for guidance.
—For all calls within the Purgatory area code, touch 9 plus the phone number, then, using the alphanumeric keypad, carefully key in the text of three Hail Marys and two Our Fathers.
—Long-distance calls to either permanent afterlife location may be placed through the hotel's Ethereal Switchboard. Be advised, however, that denizens of Hell are rarely released from their torments to take calls and in Heaven there are no phones.
Wake-up Call—If we may be frank: The time for wake-up calls is over. If you'd heeded any of the several provided to you in the physical world, you wouldn't be here.
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From all of us at the Hyatt Regency Purgatory, we wish you the briefest of stays. And we kindly beseech you to put in a good word for us upon reaching your final destination.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Thank You for Choosing the Hyatt Regency Purgatory By Bob Woodiwiss
Ways to Lose at Tony Hawk's Pro Skater By Owen Parsons
Bowline Variations By Scott Blaszak
Children's-Film Sequels as Imagined by Famous Directors By Rebekah Frumkin
OK, It's Time to Talk About the Elephant in the Room By Wendy Molyneux
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