You feel poor. We feel poor. Let's feel poor together. This week only, almost everything is half-price in our online store. Escape the holiday rush and cross every name off your list in one cheap swoop. - - - -

THERE'S A PLUMBING PROBLEM IN THE HAMPTONS. BY JOHN FRANK WEAVER - - - - You've reached the office of Richard Henlin's Hamptons Plumbing. No one is here to take your call. At the tone, please leave a message. Hi, this is Hilary Martin. My number's on file. Last month, I ordered a platinum custom-built shower unit, but you guys made a mistake the other day when you installed it. I went over all the specifications with you. I wanted all the fixtures made of highly polished platinum and the walls made of treated platinum. In a semicircular pattern along the bottom and top perimeters, I wanted alternating couplets of emeralds and rubies. My order wasn't that hard—just a basic platinum shower. But you guys messed up the installation. You gave me a golden shower. Please call me back so we can get this fixed. - - - - You've reached the office of Richard Henlin's Hamptons Plumbing. No one is here to take your call. At the tone, please leave a message. Hi, this is Hilary Martin. I called yesterday about the golden shower you guys gave me. My number's on file. Look, I understand that this is a busy season for plumbers in the Hamptons: more 10-person hot tubs are installed this month than at any other time during the year. Believe me, I know. But I'd really like to get this golden shower fixed. Not only is it not what I ordered; it's not even working right. This morning, it started dripping warm water on my rug, changing its color, which matched my curtains perfectly. I expect you to reimburse me for dyeing my rug in addition to installing the correct and functioning shower. Please call me. - - - - You've reached the office of Richard Henlin's Hamptons Plumbing. No one is here to take your call. At the tone, please leave a message. Hi, this is Hilary Martin. I called and left a couple of messages last week about the golden shower you guys gave me. I know I probably sounded kinda pissy both times, but I'm feeling a little better now. I'm warming up to the golden shower. I have to admit, I wanted the platinum shower because it screamed filthy rich, but having a golden shower as part of my morning routine is wonderful. It's warm, and the way it gets me wet is much more satisfying than any other shower I've had before. But it's still dripping all over my carpet. Please call me so we can fix this. My number's on file. - - - - You've reached the office of Richard Henlin's Hamptons Plumbing. No one is here to take your call. At the tone, please leave a message. Hi, this is Hilary Martin. I just wanted to call and thank you again for the best golden shower in the world! I can't even describe how much I love it! I'm thinking about giving them as gifts—do you think you could help me? I want to get one for my sister's birthday, and maybe give one to my mother, because I've been telling her so much about it. You know what you should do? Offer them to all your clients! If you need a customer testimonial, I'd be happy to give one. How about "Getting a golden shower is the cleanest thing I've done in years, and I want to share the experience with as many people as possible"? Give me a call, let's talk. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - There's a Plumbing Problem in the Hamptons By John Frank Weaver Fragments From Palin! The Musical By Ben Greenman An Anti-Environmentalist Drafts His Next Newspaper Column While Eating Takeout and Driving His Hummer By Benjamin Cohen William Faulkner Reviews Season One of Gossip Girl By Jason Rhode Secret Service Emergency-Response Protocol 1127B: If the President Falls Down a Well By Susan Schorn

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