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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000From: Karl Tobias Steel Subject: Is your daddy rich like me? Dear Michael Kurhajetz: Babies, like bridges, like roads, like trousers, like, indeed, all horizontal things incapable of mounting the y-axis without assistance, are measured by length, not heighth. Or tallth. Um, heighth. Dear McSweeney's: I had a student once named "Tom Looms." I said, "Your name, it's a complete sentence." He wasn't amused. Neal Pollack's name is also a complete sentence. Try it: "Neal, Pollack!" An imperative, delivered by a cruel Teutonic overlord. Or a cruel Slavic overlord. Oh, hell, as delivered by everything and everyone Chopin, the Polish ex-pat, howled against in the crashing A-major of his Marche Militaire. Warriors, come out and play, Karl Steel New York City - - - - Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000From: Jim Crocamo Subject: haircuts and, not of, chinese warriors Dear McSweeney's, Luke O'Neil's letter of last week casually referred to me in a dismissing manner by saying "anyone with sideburns gets compared to Elvis, my friend." See? This is exactly my point- I don't even have sideburns! What I have is something different entirely, wherein the hair from the side of my head, just above where sideburns would grow, is allowed to grow extravagantly long. I call them Jimmy-wings. It looks rather like an elf's haircut, to be perfectly honest. Sincerely, Jim Crocamo - - - - Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000From: Hartsough, Eevin Subject: Bugs O McSweeney's! I am very much heartened to have read more than one letter about other people's bug problems. I had been feeling very much alone and frightened and had been loosing a good deal of sleep over my own. A pledge: if Mr. Bryson should ever need to nap on my shoulder in an elevator, I will not look at him like he is crazy and may, in fact, indulge his request. Eevin Hartsough - - - - Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000From: Bryan Charles Subject: My First Letter Dear McSweeney's, You posted one of my letters once. It gave me a little taste for something. Fame, I think. But I have written you every week since then and nothing. Probably the quality of my recent letters has been inferior to that first brilliant one. My first letter really seemed to have that "oomph." Fondly, Bryan Charles - - - - Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000From: Chuck Easterling Subject: Much like a World's Fair yet horribly horribly sad Dear McSweeney's, There they were standing in front of tri-fold cardboard exhibits perhaps adapted from their children's science fair projects. On the tables in front of them plastic pens with their companies logos sitting next to coozies (that how you spell "coozies"?) also adorned with their companies logos. At the FedEx booth I snagged a Styrofoam DC-10 glider kit for Katy, my niece. That night, I told her that none of the companies at the job fair seemed interested in me but admonished her to cheer up because I got her a DC-10 glider kit...thing. She freakin' loved it, Chuck Easterling - - - - Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000From: Alex Pascover Subject:Thoughts on suicide and television Dear McSweeney's-- How have you been? Sorry I haven't written for a while; I've been busy with the new job and the wedding plans. Here are a few thoughts of my own originated by the suicide topics in your letters pages. 1. Back when I lived in Ithaca, NY, someone attempted suicide by jumping off the bridge referenced by Mr. Lennon and landed (I am not making this up) on a raccoon. This saved the jumper's life, although the raccoon was not so fortunate. A few months earlier, a drunk fellow fell into a sorority chimney and ultimately died of starvation or exposure. I believe he might have survived except he fell right before Christmas Break and therefore no one was around to hear his pleas for assistance. 2. I don't know of anyone at my high school committing suicide while I was there, although there was one girl who attempted it. She was always very reserved and polite, but after the attempt I noticed that she often had enraged and profane diatribes against society or the school administration written on her shoes in very tiny handwriting. I wondered if she had always done this or if it was theraputic to publish her frustrations in a semi-public forum. 3. I was watching some football coverage (I think it was ESPN) this weekend in which a segment about all the injuries suffered in the preseason was accompanied by the theme to M*A*S*H. I guess it made sense, as that show was about a trauma unit in the trenches of the Korean War, but I thought it inappropriate. You see, I am much more familiar with the movie, in which that song (instrumental in the TV version) is an ode to killing oneself called "Suicide is Painless." It seemed to me that the message conveyed was "OK, you've torn your ACL. Your career is over so you might as well knock yourself off, pal." 4. Speaking of Chris Noth, is anyone else aware of a show that has survived despite its entire original cast leaving (in stages)? I personally haven't watched much since the disappearance of Dann Florek and almost never since Baby Brah left. Subscribe me, Sincerely, --Alex Pascover - - - - Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000From: Paul Griffiths Subject: Little Altars Everywhere. Dear McSweeney's (if that is your real name), I if I could change one thing about me, I would change my head. I think the head of Richard Grieco (21 Jump Street, Booker) would look very good on me. That hair, those arched eyebrows; I'd walk around saying, "Hey everyone, I have Richard Grieco's head!" except it would be my voice, which would frighten and amuse children. Sincerely, Paul Griffiths - - - - Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2000From: Sommer Browning Subject: I know one things Dear McSweeney's- I know where Short Pump is. - - - - Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2000From: Chris Cotner Subject: Another Week in Oklahoma Dear McSweeney's, No numbered points this week. Nothing happened. The only highlight is that Tyler got a new scooter and we spent an afternoon having speed races down a long ramp. Of course I won, but that is because I outweigh him by about 150 pounds (he's nine). Oh yeah, it's not as hot. I hope the rest of the country had a more exciting week than I did. Until next week... - - - - Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2000From: MS. ROSAURA Subject: hubris again-affronting all over-heavy-starting afresh in blackness to find you. Dear McSweeney's, The girl was all alone. She traced a heart and a bird in the dry gravel with the tip of her black shoe. In the distance crunching gravel announced a wanderer. The wanderer was a woman. The woman wore black pants and a blue jean jacket, hanging on her shoulder was a yellow knapsack. The woman came right up to the girl on the bench. "Do you mind if I join you here?" asked the woman. "No, go ahead. " said the girl. "What are you doing here in the middle of Spain all alone? There won't be another train for days." "I was just admiring how those mountains look like tan camels." "Oh, you're right. They do look like tan camels. They look like a whole family of camels." ... "Do you want to hear about the journey?" the woman asked. "Yes." "And maybe those dreams about self-cannibalism you've been having all week will go away." "How did you know that I've been dreaming that?" "The teeth marks on your hand." To be continued... - - - - Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2000From: Amanda.Gagliardi Dear McSweeney's, I am an adult who owns a hamster. Recently the hamster has been plotting against me. I can tell. In other food related news, I have twice found bugs in my food at a Chinese restaurant in "Shallow Alto" that is selected every year by the Palo Alto Weekly as best Chinese restaurant. First a fly, then, two gnats. Amanda - - - - Date: Fri, 08 Sep 2000 09:28:41 -0400From: Weston Eguchi Subject: Dave Eggers Dear McSweeney's, I was at the Neal Pollack tour last night --- the readings were hilarious and the latest issue of McSweeney's very attractive. I work at a law firm, Richards Spears Kibbe & Orbe, if any of the attorneys can be of help, please let me know. Weston Eguchi Legal Assistant - - - - Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2000From: Steven Tomsik Subject:galapagos Dear McSweeney's, I didn't go to the words reading last night. I did not make the hideous trek to William's burg. If I had, though, you would have seen that I really am type-handsome, especially last night. For last night, I wore a sparkling clothes outfit, and my hair was just right. And I was so charming. And I smelled good, too, sort of a spicy musk, but not too much. If you had walked by me last night you would have maybe caught a pleasant, soothing whiff, maybe not. So I'm sorry. Next time? Next time. My shoes, too, were exquisite. Steve. - - - - Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2000From: Monica Subject: Brooklyn Dear McSweeney's, I am not surprised to find no mention of the chocolate from last night. It was too much to hope for. Though, you must admit, it is (and was) fine fine chocolate. Overshadowed perhaps, by the unfortunate service of legal documents, which occurred in my proximity, and even more unlucky for me, directly before the MR would have been asked, by me, to sign his book. Oh well. It was a fun evening. Live MR is engaging and though possessed of an admitted eye-contact deficiency, detail-oriented and keen of memory. I was one of about a half dozen extant beings at G. over the age of forty. Sorry. The remainder of the room was filled to bursting with You People. Who are all firm of flesh, tall, and have astounding dentition. Who wear funny little eyeglasses now. Who have nonchalant tattoos and no visible piercings. Who think Lord of the Rings is still worthy of comment and parody. Cognitively dissonant with a group who laughs appreciatively at the name "Zola Budd". I would too, if I were tall and young with good teeth. So, thank you, again. For the inspiration. The intake, sometimes sharp and unheralded, of oxygen, though frequently accompanied, at least until the cease in the existence, by the exhale of carbon dioxide. Sigh. Monica Sabia - - - - Date: Fri, 08 Sep 2000From: stacey lewis Subject: a tiny cat & a bookmark Dear McSweeney's, The extra long bookmark on Neal Pollack's new anthology makes a great cat toy. Abigail loved playing with it while I read. Thanks for the good times, Abigail and Atacey Lewis - - - - Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2000From: Hustad, Megan Subject: The woman sold me a used book, damnit. Dear McSweeney's, I was at the reading at Galapagos last night. I had a nice time. On my way out the door, I decided to buy the Neal Pollack book, and McSweeney's issue number five to boot. Flushed with cash and alcohol, I even gave the one dollar change from my twenty-nine dollar purchase to the author himself, who happened to be standing nearby. Here's your tip, I said. He refused, but Mr. Eggers wisely, characteristically, told him to not say no. So Pollack kept the money, and I left. It was not until I saw his book under the glare of the streetlights that I realized the dust jacket was worn. Once home I noticed a pink smudge (makeup perhaps?) on the front. Then I opened the book and two folded pieces of paper fell out. One featured a long, and not entirely successful, thought piece about a bad dentist. The other was a printout of an e-mail sent to a boy named Jim Behrle. All of which led me to believe that the book I had just bought was not, in fact, intended for resale. I think I want a new copy, is what I'm trying to say. I'm willing to trade. M. - - - - Date: Sat, 09 Sep 2000From: Dan.Kennedy Subject: WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMON AND OTHER NATURAL FLAVORS, YELL AT LIFE Dear McSweeney's- Yesterday I was walking up 6th Avenue and I saw a large truck carrying a popular brand of bottled iced tea that the driver was delivering to the local corner store. On the side of the truck there was a picture of a man drinking the same kind of popular iced tea. The man in the picture on the side of the truck had his head tilted back and was taking a really big drink of this tea. Then I notice the headline, which said, "You feel good. Maybe too good." Then I noticed that when the driver got out to make his delivery, he too was drinking a bottle of the iced tea. He tilted the bottle back and took really big drink. And when he was done he wiped his mouth on his sleeve. Then he yelled to the store owner, "How the hell am I supposed to get ten cases through with all of that crap in the way? I can't even park here because you've got your God damned car double-parked out here all day! This is bullshit!" I thought to myself, "He doesn't feel good. Not too good at all." Dan Kennedy New York, New York - - - - Read Previous Letters:
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