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The San Francisco Panorama.
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[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000From: Chris Cotner Subject: Class and such Dear McSweeney's, Yesterday in class a guy gave a presentation on gambling and Atlantic City. Mind you, none of us in the class were over the age of say...about...29. So, in the question and answer period, as a means of releasing some tension, I asked him if he had heard that they blew up the chicken man in Philly last night and they blew up his house too. Everyone in the classroom performed that same sucking in of breath maneuver, and several actually exclaimed, "What?" Needless to say, but I'll say it anyway, I was shocked, shocked, to find out no one, out of about 20 people, knew what I was referencing. Next time, I'll guess I'll just keep my mouth shut. So much for The Boss. (You know what I'm talking about...don't you?) - - - - Date: Sat, 18 Nov 2000 21:08:01 +0000From: A.L. Gretton Subject: With regards to the abuse suffered by the staff room at MIT, and the uncanny parallels existing elsewhere in world Sign on the door of the toilet on the second floor of the Cambridge University Engineering Department: "Closed due to abuse" - - - - Date: Sat, 18 Nov 2000From: Kenneth Shelton Subject: Thursday Night - Denver Sirs, This past Thursday night, after the last set of shows, our projectionist brought in a few reels of 16mm film from his "personal collection". We set up the 16mm projector in the upstairs booth. It is a Bell & Howell like the ones we used in high school but it is a professional model with a Xenon bulb. We used the Eiki long-play tower so that we could project from a 6000' reel. The first movie was about guys having a dirt bike race who stop at a farmhouse and have sex with the girls who live there. At one point they caught a small turtle in the back yard and teased one of the girls with it. The film had no title card so we don't know what it was called. It was poorly made and kind of amusing. The second film was an Italian sci-fi movie from the early seventies. It was dubbed but not very entertaining. I left shortly after it started. Someone else must have locked up the theatre because everything was okay when I came in on Friday. Many Thanks, Kent Shelton - - - - Date: Sun, 19 Nov 2000 04:37:48 ESTSubject: this door Dear McSweeney's, There is a door at the school I attend which has printed on it in large, industrial-type, 398-point font the terrifying and exciting words: DO NOT OPEN DOOR NO FLOOR - - - - Subject: TRADINGDear Sir, If you are producer or exporter & importer, please let me know the field of your activity. If you have any catalog, please send me one. My address: P.O.Box 14155 - 5841 Tehran, Iran Tel & Fax: +98 21 742 4714 E-mail: znc@mabna.org Yours sincerely, F.Shahbazi - - - - Date: Sun, 19 Nov 2000 11:00:22 -0600From: Jacob Arvold Subject: time of the month Dear McSweeney's, I'm just curious to find out the lag time between the submission of a letter and when it actually gets posted. Sincerely sent 11/19/00, Jacob Arvold - - - - Date: Sun, 19 Nov 2000 17:18:40 -0500 (EST)From: Karl Tobias Steel Subject: North of Harlem, New York, shoes. Dear McSweeney's: No need to guess, I'll tell you. Now I'm living in The Bronx. Yankee stadium looms, and I can, if I like, buy a stocking hat for cheap. I've done that already. When I wear it, tourists mistake me for a surly longshoreman, and ask me longshoreman-related questions. The other day some kids made fun of my shoes, I think. They said, "Nice shoes," but I kept walking. Secretely, inside, I felt nothing. But, you know, even if those kids were sarcastic kids (and they should be, because here I am, gentrifying their neighborhood), my shoes really are nice shoes. Both of them are nice. Clad simply, I remain, Karl Steel The Bronx - - - - Date: Sun, 19 Nov 2000 22:08:46 -0800From: Andrew Leland Subject: no subject was specified Dear McSweeney's, Maraschino cherries and Chuck Berry's fly fishing stories. Edward Gorey's sabbatical, I'm radical, so awesome. I'm Joey's Lawrence to your M. Bialik's Blossom. "Whoa," Andrew Los Angeles, CA - - - - Date: Mon, 20 Nov 2000 01:06:22 -0800From: The Crew at 3084 Richmond Subject: Proposal for a play Production Proposal Personal Information: Name: Gabriel C. Drummond-Cole School Info: 3rd year senior double-majoring in Mathematics and Dramatic Arts Directing experience: DA 162, Fall 1999 2 Super-Gents of Verona, Spring 2000 Project Information: I would like to direct my original play Conan Redux. Its current length is between one and two hours. Nicole DuPort is a tentative costume designer. I would need set and lighting designers, sound and light board operators, maybe one or two deck crew members, and around eight or ten actors. Venue: A large indoor space; the less outside sound and light, the better. The first act requires a fantastic atmosphere that would be marred by interruptions or reminders of the world outside the play. Room 7 is of course the first space that comes to mind, but if something else comes up, I would be open to negotiation. Budget: All of this assumes room 7: Lighting: $0-50 Sound: $0-50 Set: $150-200 Costumes: $100-150 Props: $100-150 Publicity and Programs: $100 Misc.: $50 Total: $500-750 Tech Requirements: Lighting: There are three to five distinct lighting areas (some overlap would be fine) and two specials: a spot and a red "evil" light. Sound: At the very least a stereo; preferably something with a little more oomph. Set: Various flats and/or curtains to mask, in addition to: Act 1: A sorcerer's lair An altar Candles Hyperborean-Era chambers A cot A low table A door A throne room A throne Dungeons A wall with manacles The Palace, interior Act 2: A dorm room Two identical beds Two identical desks Two identical chairs A door Conan's pad A cot A low table A bar Bar Stools Dartboard Properties: A sacrificial knife Red chalk blanket Conan's large sword Jewelry Satchel Coinpouch Axe Swords A writ Manacles Sprig of rosemary 2 Flasks Tongs Various edible "ingredients" for magical potions Enormous ruby Pitcher Bread Chalices Glitter Spear Scepter A working stereo A computer Pizza Bong Darts Coins Drinks Switchblade Whip Costumes: Kazan-Roth: a long, hooded robe, contemporary outfit Orlo: sandals and baggy pants, contemporary outfit Shartak: Bodypaint Conan: Loincloth, wristguards, boots Loam: a nightie and robe, contemporary outfit Dalius and soldiers: Soldiers' garb, contemporary outfit Laria: Two gowns and a tiara, revealing shift, contemporary outfit (pants suit) Zenthor: Hyperborean nobleman's outfit, robes, contemporary outfit Torlin: rags, bandage, contemporary outfit Special Effects: Smoke Sparks Blood that spurts Bubbling potionry Glowing Ruby and Emerald Breakaway bottle All of these are negotiable. 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