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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - Date: Fri, 02 Feb 2001
- - - - Date: Mon, 5 Feb 2001From: "Newhart, Bryson" Subject: Sorry, but disregard the last one too Dear McSweeney's, Why send you a letter that is "too cute for words" only to say at the end, "Pleave me out of it?" Why do I keep on doing this? While it is true that someone might make a face at you in an e-mail and then say that the face actually represents ... No, not true. It doesn't even make sense. Nor did I almost fall out of my chair because I saw a face with arms on it. Never happened. It would be neat, I said, if we all had arms that grew out of our faces? Why would this now be neat? Didn't I almost fall from my chair only the armrests held me in? And finger tooth? Thumb tongue? Don't think so. Must stop this, Bryce - - - - Date: Wed, 07 Feb 2001Subject: Locating McSweeney's in South Florida (Boca Raton) From: Victor Dear McSweeney's, I was introduced to your magazine by stumbling across it at a Borders bookstore in Boca Raton. I read the first dozen pages then bought it on the spot. Sorry, nothing peculiar of any sort happened to me when I bought it, though I was already juiced up at the time as I had just found out in the magazine I looked at before yours that Subaru will be introducing the Impreza WRX Turbo to the U.S. for the first time. Yes, I like to go fast while sideways. - - - - Date: Wed, 07 Feb 2001From: "Andrei Sinioukov" Dear McSweeney's: On this day, Wednesday, February 7, 2001 I have so far written over four pages worth of emails (pasted together, Times New Roman, 12pt.) Some of them, however, addressed to different people, just repeat each other more or less. Unlike this email, to you, which is completely original. Yours truly, Andrei. - - - - Date: Thu, 8 Feb 2001From: Peter Vaeth Subject: My Debut Dear McSweeney's, Today I played the role of a "flighty" customer in a Customer Service Video for the Major National Retail Pharmacy Corporation for which I toil daily, suit-and-tied. These were my lines (C is for Customer): C: I'd like to pick up my prescription, I called the automatic phone thing this morning. C: 847-555-2500 C: Can I still get it now? C: (belittled, taken aback) Uhh, okay. I hit my mark and nailed my lines. I'm playing a store intern later this month in a Mentoring Video. I can't shake the feeling that this is the start of something. It helps to write about it. Thanks for being there, Peter Vaeth - - - - Date: Fri, 09 Feb 2001Subject: Time travel Dear McSweeney's, I am writing regarding the letter of one Mr. Bill Burman. This letter suggested an experiment to prove the possibility of time travel. I took the necessary steps to complete the experiment and was at somewhat of a loss when my future self did not appear 5 minutes later. My first conclusion was that time travel will not be possible in my lifetime. This upset me because there are a couple of mistakes that I made at ages 5-8 that I would like to go back and help my younger self avoid. After lamenting the impossibility of time travel I realized that there are some scenarios that would make it difficult for my future self to return to the spot where I currently sit. 1. What if the said "time machine" has no ability to accept location coordinates and when you go back in time you must end in the same location from which you began your trip? What if I find this machine in China? I would have to wait quite some time for my future self to arrive when my present self resides. 2. Take into consideration is that I am writing from California. What if when I find this time machine California has fallen into the ocean creating a location that the machine doesn't understand or, employing both the last scenario and this one, I am unable to bring the time machine to California because California doesn't exist? 3. If my future self lives in a world where California doesn't exist, why would she want to come back here? The writer assumes that his future self would like to return to 2001. This may not be the case. His future self may have weighed the choices between knowing at a younger age that time travel was possible or not returning to 2001 and found that the latter was the better choice. I think Mr. Burman needs to give his experiment and the possible consequences/outcomes more careful thought. My future self may be trapped in china right now, which he would be indirectly responsible for. Thanks, Amanda (present self age 24) - - - - Date: Tue, 13 Feb 2001From: Garrett Scott Subject: Krauser reading Dear McSweeneys, I feel a little bad that I may have been perceived as having been hovering creepily around Mr. Krauser after last night's reading. I mean, I could have just let him keep my wife's ball-point pen. I lingered after our brief conversation and he thought perhaps I wanted to shake his hand when instead I thought he was about to give back the pen, so my right hand was veering obliquely away from his proffered right hand (toward the pen in his left) when I realized what was going on and had to execute a sort of swoop of my hand to get back to his. After shaking hands we both just stood there, looking at each other. "Well," he said. "Um, can I have my pen back?" I answered. Anyway, he gave a fine and entertaining reading and we are quite happy with our copy of LEMON. And all I could do was squabble over office supplies. My apologies. Garrett Scott - - - - Date: Wed, 14 Feb 2001Subject: Missing drafting pencil... good afternoon everyone! There was a drafting pencil on Patrick Grizzard's desk on the 11th Floor that belongs to Ken, which someone walked away with it. If you have it in your possession please be kind enough to bring it back to Ken on the 11th Floor. - - - - Date: Thu, 15 Feb 2001From: Dan Kennedy Subject: THE MORE THINGS CHANGE Dear McSweeney's, Remember the good old days? Back when I had lost my job? And I just sat in here drinking and eating the last of my groceries and writing you letters every day? Yeah, things are going pretty well now. Except I'm out of food. And I haven't got a job. At least I'm writing to you again- Dan Kennedy New York, New York - - - - Date: Thu, 15 Feb 2001From: "Dan Kennedy" Subject: AMUSE THE MUSE HE MUSED Dear McSweeney's, One thing has lead to another and to another and I find myself with a muse of sorts. Totally serious. One of the eighties supermodel sort. One who would be written up on page six for simply going out to dinner on an ordinary Tuesday evening back then, but who now calls me on a Tuesday and tells me to report to her apartment on the Upper East Side to "Surprise" her by cooking dinner. One who has told me there's a reason we've met, even though she swears to God that she doesn't know me from Adam. I think that's about all I can say for now without messing everything up, according to some movie that she made me rent. Too superstitious to run- Dan Kennedy New York, New York - - - - Date: Sat, 17 Feb 2001From: Scott Matthew Korb Subject: In Berlin Dear McSweeney's, I am in Berlin, with less than two minutes, no less than one minute to send this. Shoot. Nothing to report, I guess. Shoot, SK. - - - - Read Previous Letters:
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