S H O R T I M A G I N E D
M O N O L O G U E S .
- - - -
Eco Joe's
Pre-WrestleMania-Match
Rant Leaves a Lot
to Be Desired.
- - - -
Greetings, Houston! And the suburbs. And those towns too far out to qualify as suburbs but close enough for residents to make the drive. I'm gonna rip the Hyperlink apart, reassemble him, then rip him apart again! But I won't reassemble him the second time. Of course, I'm not really dismembering anyone. But if you like bloodshed you picked a great night to be here! I know it's not, meteorologically speaking, a great night—I mean, it's pouring out there. And the fact you drove here in such poor conditions with horrible visibility, well, it means a lot to me. And so does killing the Hyperlink! I won't actually take his life. But I'll beat him up real good—or bad. Whichever makes more sense. He backstabbed me. Literally? No. But he betrayed me. And one thing Eco Joe doesn't like is when someone messes with his trust. Eco Joe's been hurt too many times. Eco Joe placed his trust in a woman and she ran off with Eco Joe's financial adviser—and all of Eco Joe's savings. Eco Joe's therapist insists that Eco Joe is making progress. Yet sometimes Eco Joe can't find the strength to get out of bed and face the day. Cognitive-behavioral therapy and a cocktail of Zoloft, Abilify, and Ativan don't seem to help. But Eco Joe knows you don't want to hear his problems. He also knows that talking in the third-person is annoying, and he'll stop now. To everyone watching on pay-per-view, I hope you're with friends—splitting the cost—so it's only a few bucks each. It's still possible to enjoy entertainment in a down economy! Get ready to see me pin this guy! Technically, I could also win by count-out, disqualification, or forfeit. Maybe he'll submit to my signature move, the Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. But pinning someone is more satisfying. Especially pinning a trust-breaking bastard. Wait. The Hyperlink isn't really a bastard. I had dinner at his parents' place last night—wonderful people. His father is very much in the picture. In fact, he and the Hyperlink share a hobby: building ships in bottles. Mr. and Mrs. Schwartzman, thanks for your hospitality. Please e-mail me that chicken recipe. Was that fennel I tasted? Speaking of chicken, my opponent is shaking backstage. I take that back: the Hyperlink has early-onset Parkinson's and the shaking isn't his fault. But he's probably hiding under a blanket. Then again, so was I—the locker rooms are freezing. There's the Hyperlink's entrance music, the Mac startup sound. The Hyperlink's about to become a dead link. Like when you click and a page says "404 Not Found." It was between that and a line about composting him—to keep with the eco theme. The guys backstage liked the dead-link line. OK, I've said all I had to say. Was I too negative? I hate when I get all negative. Sorry if I brought anyone down. I mean, this is WrestleMania! It's on!
- - - -
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